Commitment Issues

Thank God, my loan pulled through last minute and I get to stay in college. Honestly I was so relieved I could have died. That’s a little extreme but still, I am happy to be able to continue on with my college life, I really don’t want to think about relationships or anything unnecessary especially because I had thought that I would not be able to stay here. But I can’t help thinking about this one guy. I mean I don’t want to go out with him now. My friends are saying it’s a “squish”, I can see myself liking him but I don’t like him at the moment. Have you ever looked at someone and had a nice conversation and just think wow they are really cool I can see myself liking them over time. I mean I did kind of got to know him during the Christmas play last semester. I was Mary and he was Joseph, we talked to each other and he was just a really friendly person. Since I long board I took my board to one of the rehearsals and he saw it and said he liked it and he rides also. So we just kind of talked about that for awhile, he was funny and he was just interesting to me. Oh and I’m not sure if I said but I am completely over Argentina. During our winter vacation I went back home and I was away from him and I thought really hard about it and we just would not be compatible. He’s immature and we both just have different mind sets, I prefer him more as a friend than I would a boyfriend. As well as Bengt there are numerous reasons why I got over Bengt. He and I just aren’t compatible, we argue a lot, and honestly I only see him as a brother. Now that I am a new found Christian I want to find someone who also is Christian because we would both have the same values and beliefs, I don’t want someone who would want me to go against my own beliefs. It also says in the bible that the one I am with is supposed to lead me spiritually and they can’t exactly do that if they aren’t even Christian, or if I am spiritually stronger than them. It’s odd to think that now my standard is that the guys has to be Christian or there is a no go with us, I used to think dating is just a casual thing. I suppose to most it is, sometimes I still have that thought that dating is just a temporary thing and that I feel a little insecure about the fact that I am 19 going to be 20 soon and has only dated two guys in my life. But you know what? So what? I shouldn’t care about that, that shouldn’t affect who I am and it doesn’t define who I am. I want to be able to tell my husband that I love him and he is the only one I have given my whole heart to. I am scared to get married one day, in fact I really don’t want to think about that right now because just thinking about it makes me nervous. I was thinking about it the other day and I may have commitment issues, the two boyfriends that I did have in my life I was the one to break it up. My recent ex, we dated for nearly a year and we were on and off and each time we broke up I was the one to tell him it was over. Why? I don’t know I was scared to love him, I was scared to lose my V card to him, I didn’t want to trust him at all. Maybe I was right not to because he did cheat on me at least five times. Not to mention he would push me into trying to have sex with him. A lot of people tell me how strong I was to have that courage to say no to him and not let him have his way with me. Yeah…I suppose I was strong, but I did love him and the first time he purposed we do do that he was nice and he hadn’t cheated on me yet, I just didn’t want to. Instead of talking about it like adults I shut him out, I did that to my other ex to. He didn’t make me do anything I wasn’t comfortable with instead we went at a slow rate by the second month we had just started to hold hands. I had strong feelings for him more than I thought I would with anyone…it scared me so I broke it off. I don’t want to tell a guy I like him, and if I do tell him it’s because I want to get rejected. I want to stop my feelings as soon as they start so I tell them how I feel hoping they’ll tell me they don’t feel the same way. When they do I feel relieved and I feel like I can continue on with my life. I want to have those feelings of love with someone special the thing is I don’t know when I will let myself. Even right now I feel like I can like this guy, Johnny, but I really hope I won’t develop those feelings. I know I need to get to know him in order for anything to happen, so right now I do want to talk to him and get to know him but not to like him or have hope we would someday be together but so I will prove to myself that he isn’t the type of guy I would like and be able to stop these feelings before it gets worse. 

Lord help my future husband.

Advertisements

Praying for a miracle

Good Lord I am having a major melt down. You know I never understood why people dropped out of college. At first I thought it was because you party to hard and you lose sight of why you are in college and you start failing and bam you drop out. I thought that’s how it went but I really didn’t think about the expense playing a huge part in wanting to drop out. Right now I am in danger of being withdrawed from class which means that I can still live here I just won’t be able to go to any classes this year. Why? Because the loan I got last semester didn’t pay for my first semester which means I still owe over a thousand dollars for last year but guess what? The loan went into my second semester so that means I owe less than a thousand for this semester. How does that even make sense??? Wouldn’t it be better if what ever money I give goes to the account I owed first? So yeah I have to take out another loan and somehow that loan is supposed to magically be in my hands and to my schools fat wallet, in less than a week! I asked for an extension to you know give me some time and my bank to get the money processed and everything but my school doesn’t see it that way instead they won’t cut me a break and give me an extension. So yeah even if I do get the money even a day late of the due date the school said to bad and that I will still be withdrawed from my classes even if I pay it off. So yeah I am hoping for my bank to pull a magic trick. 

Pity Party Invite

Thursday I was in a play for the Christian Challenge. It was so much fun we made jokes we laughed and we read the word of God. I played as Marry, Russia was the coordinator of the whole thing, Argentina was one of the three wise men. Originally Argentina was supposed to be Joseph and we were supposed to introduce baby Jesus together. To be honest I am really glad I didn’t have to pretend that he was my husband, biblical or not. Instead another guy played Joseph. I knew he went to the Christian Challenge too, I just never really met him until now. He’s around my height so I would say he was 5’6 probably not to sure but he has these bright blue eyes. I don’t have a crush on him but I can see myself liking him, only because I need to get to know him more if I even want to think about having a crush on him. As for Argentina yeah I still like him but it’s like I’m climbing mountain after mountain. One minute I really like him then the next I am seriously wondering why it is that I like him. I think it may because he reminds me a little of my ex boyfriend when he was actually sweet and not being rude or demanding. Either way I just can’t tell if tomorrow I’ll like him more or less, any way I just want to stop liking Argentina because it seems way to much to even like him. On top of that he gives me way to many mix signals that I over analyze. I want to either like someone else or not like any one at all right now. Why can’t my life be like a movie where the guy goes to the girl and completely swipes her off her feet. I have never had that romance or had that one guy ask me out or even tell me I’m beautiful. It’s not that I base my worth in guys because I don’t but every girl wants to at least know that she can get the guy without going out of her way to do something. I’ve been told I am beautiful and that I probably just intimidate guys because I am the type to not put up with the crap of playing games. Maybe I do intimidate guys but I guess that’s good because I intimidate boys, the thing is not a single “man” said something to me. Maybe I am being to impatient in waiting for the one that God has made perfect for me or maybe I just want to inflate my ego even more. I don’t feel pretty but I know I am so what’s wrong with guys? I know when I like someone I am willing to let them know, but now I am not going to be the one to say what I feel if a guy likes me he can do something about rather than just hoping I’ll do something. Why can’t I just read minds for a day…?

Academic Life Plan

When I first decided I was going to go to college I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. I always knew that I mainly wanted to prove all of those who said I would never be able to succeed in college or to the statistics that taunt me saying that most Native Americans don’t finish college that most do drop out and that I am more than likely to be one of them. I wanted to not only prove them wrong but I also wanted to make my parents proud of me to do something they themselves weren’t able to do. I wanted to have a better life for myself and to know that I can take care of myself and even my parents. So I came to N University because I wanted to show myself that I can make it on my own without living with my parents and be able to some how tell myself that what I am doing is what I want to do and that not only because I want to do it but the fact that I can.At first I wanted to be in the E.R. as a nurse or maybe even a paramedic. I found out that it would only take two years to do that. Which meant I wouldn’t come to N University for that. So last minute I told the lady I wanted to be in Kinesiology, during orientations. So here I am enrolling for a major I can’t even pronounce right let alone spell. I have no idea what it’s for all I know is I can go into Physical Therapy with it. So I pull out my phone before I meet my academic adviser to figure out what Kinesiology is and what I can do with that. Oddly enough I still want to be in Kinesiology, I chose something I never even heard about but the major and the field of work it goes into works so well with who I am and what I never knew I wanted to do.I still plan to stay in N University until I graduate with my Kinesiology major. I plan to stay all four years and more if I have to even if that means pulling out more loans. My plan is to just do all the work I need done and no matter what it takes I am graduating here because this is where I chose to go to school at. It’s hard because I do want to be home and be with my family and friends and seeing there lives grow without me.I do get homesick and my plan to work with that is already working itself out. There is no place like home. Where my mother cooks the best meals and me and my dad can go to all the comic shops and laugh together. I miss them and my main home, but I have a home here to. Where all my new friends are at who tell me we are not friends but a family together. We take care of each other if we need help we have one another. Some how sleeping in my dorm room stopped being uncomfortable like being in camp or in a hotel but it became somewhere I know where I can rest. Somewhere I can talk to my roommate like were the best of friends sharing secrets and becoming sisters. My plan to helping my homesickness is to make a home here with all my friends. It won’t be just like home but once this place is my other home there won’t be another like this one.I had already pulled out a loan for the first semester and it felt like this heavy weight pushed onto me. But once I started thinking about it with this loan I can stay here I can continue being with everyone and getting closer to my goal of graduating. I soon realized if I have to I will pull out as many loans as it takes to stay here and complete that goal. Of course I would really rather not do that but if I have to I will.Basically my plan to succeed here in college is to continue doing my work. Stay in my classes even if I don’t want to wake up in the morning. Also to remember why it was that I am here and why I chose to come here, to remember all of those who said I wouldn’t make it and to remember all of those who told me over and over that I can make it. Most of all to think of that feeling to finally have my degree and having all my hard work pull off at the very end.

Seriously Argentina?! Why?

So much has happened with Argentina. First Argentina stopped liking both girls, he found out something bad about one and the other he told her he liked her and found out that she didn’t feel the same. Later he said that he doesn’t like her anymore. Second somehow we ended up being closer to one another. Not in a dating way but with a friendship. Last month my family was going through a difficult time and coincidentally so was Argentina’s family. I thought of telling him that I liked him because it got difficult to concentrate on anything because I was constantly thinking of him, and being raised to have the mindset of a boy it really irked me to over think everything like a girl even though I am one. So anyway I decided you know what? For once I don’t want to tell the guy I like that I like him. I have been hurt in the past because of these stupid things, I am not going to be the one to break my heart any more. I am done with that if he does like me or if he will ever like me than he can be the one to talk to me. Which reminds me, last week we had our thanksgiving break and we all we went to our respective homes. Anyway we all came back Sunday including me and Argentina. Since Argentina lived farther away than most of us and wouldn’t be back until later that night, Russia and my friends decided to pull a prank on him. We stole his mattress in his dorm mostly because his roommate wanted to, Argentina did catch onto us and found his bed in the court yard outside of his dorm. It was funny and he didn’t seem to be angry at all, only because a friend of ours pulled a prank on Argentina’s roommate. So Russia and I went back to the dorm along with a friend of ours Twin we’ll call her. Twin actually has a crush on Argentina as well and she also knows I like him too. Which is #awkward….Anyway while we were there I was playing the violin because Argentina has one and I have always wanted to play before. Argentina taught me how to hold it and how to play a little. When we were leaving I said by to Argentina’s roommate, Gus. I also said bye to Argentina, he gave me a hug which was normal but then he lifted me up and spun me around I was confused and kind of just went with it like “okay this is weird, but I will go along with it.”, that didn’t bug me. What did bug me was when he put me down he looked at me and pulled my face to look up at him in this assertive way, rather than guiding my face to look at him he gave me time to resist let alone think. He looked at me with these serious eyes. I freaked out, because it seriously felt like he was going to kiss me or something. Even Russia freaked out she thought he was going to kiss me too. I just don’t even know. He didn’t do that with Russia or Twin! It would have been completely easy for me to brush it off if he did. But I still don’t feel like I should take it seriously because he is a major flirt. I wanted to just get mad at him. But seriously why did he stare at me like that????

It’s Not a Date I Swear

So tonight was interesting. I have a mild depression and I was really feeling it during dinner. I was surrounded by my friends including H, her roommate (which we’ll now call Veggie Tales), Russia, and (of course) Argentina. Well Bailey was there too but we don’t talk much so I don’t consider us friends per say. Any way Argentina was talking about these tickets he had for a classical concert he asked everyone at the table if they wanted to go because he had an extra ticket. Finally he asked me and I was still kind of depressed and not really caring so I just told him yeah. I left dinner and deciding that exercise will help me feel better I went running at the gym for an hour straight, I’m so proud of myself for that, but yeah. Last minute I thought of Argentina after I felt better I asked if he still wanted me to go with him, he said yes so I told him I would meet him at 7. At the time I did look at my clock and I could have SWORN I saw 6:40 but no it was really 6:50. I had less than 10 minutes to run back to my dorm take a shower and get ready and be by his dorm at 7! I was late by 8 minutes but considering I still looked decent that is an accomplishment and on top of that we even got good seats and made it one time. When I was getting ready all I kept telling myself was “It’s not a date” “It’s not a date” “IT’S NOT A DATE!!!!!” and you know what? Here comes Russia into the dorm and whispering in my ear like a little Russian fairy “it’s a date” and fluttering off with her little fairy dust, I’m totally exaggerating but STILL! The concert was beautiful the musicians were incredible and I had so much fun I didn’t pay attention to whether or not it was a date. Until the end of everything, when he was walking me home. I am so glad it wasn’t awkward we talked the whole time so that was nice. Also he didn’t leave for awhile, he stayed in the dorm we talked some more about random stuff mostly music. Russia wasn’t there she was at her discipleship, I kind of wish she was there you know so it wasn’t so awkward on my part. Either way I had a lot of fun and guess what? I told him I love classical music and he told me that there are many other concerts coming up and that he will bring me to some. So some more not dates to come 🙂

Boys and Ghosts

Because I know Argentina doesn’t like me and he likes my roommates friend I decided you know it’s just not going to work. No matter how much I wanted to so I tried to change my perspective. I told myself okay Wheelz this is your friend and ONLY your friend. So with that thought I was like it’s cool just friends, but over the weekend my roommate, Russia, and I were hanging out with Argentina non stop. So Friday first Russia and I were getting ready to eat dinner when Argentina asked us to eat dinner with him because his roommate was with his parents this weekend. So we went to the cafeteria but get this they closed at seven rather than the time we thought which is eight, so we had to eat somewhere else. Panda Express is where Argentina met us and well we had dinner talked laugh and at the end of dinner we went to his dorm to watch some YouTube videos. That’s it after Russia and I went back to our dorm. But the day after that we had breakfast with some friends and dinner with H, her roommate, and Argentina. I thought you know after dinner everything will be normal nothing else is going to happen but instead Russia and I decided to have a game night at our dorm but the only one that could make it was Argentina. So quickly we cleaned the dorm I mean even if he is just a friend he is still a guy and we are still girls so naturally our room has to be clean. Anyway he comes over we play card games and some Nintendo 64 provided by me, cause I’m awesome aha just kidding but really though. Then we all watched Clue, which by the way is the BEST movie EVER made no exaggeration. We watched it on Russia’s lap top and we were all laying on the floor it was Russia, Argentina, then me. I could not count how many times I freaked out simply because our shoulders touched. Then before I knew it the night was over at 1 A.M.. Russia and I decided to walk Argentina back to his room because he had a watched a horror movie earlier and he was still pretty freaked out I guess. Anyway on our way back to our dorm there is an abandon dormitory between our dorm and Argentina’s dorm. Russia and I always make jokes like what if we saw something in the window or something like that. Well that night there is one window we noticed in particular, the blinds were drawn open with a dim light in the background. On the side I notice a really slim figure to slim to be someone unless they were half looking out the window. All I said to Russia was “Doesn’t that look like someone in the window?” she told me no and before we knew it the shadow started getting bigger until it looked like a full grown person with there hand at their hip looking out the window, I didn’t see what happened after because Russia and I just ran like our lives depended on it. Haha but yes that was how our night ended unexpectedly.

Yep Argentina Too…

It’s always hard to admit defeat when you like someone and really wanted them to like you. I know I know I shouldn’t see this as a competition but like I said old habits die hard. The second girl I didn’t mention is actually my roommates friend, like the other girl she’s cute and charismatic. This girl though you can tell he likes her more than with the other girl. At least with Bailey there is still that doubt that he likes her but with this girl he completely forgets about everyone around him. He sees only her…During dinner, just a few minutes ago, she was there and he was talking to her on the other side of the room while our friends were still at the table talking and laughing. It was hard to see him fawn over this girl and I felt really sad. Though I guess that is normal to feel, it’s still a feeling you can’t get used to. It happened to me so many times before I just kind of gave up on finding that one special person. I guess I haven’t given up all hope since I still end up liking a guy, but when I do like a guy I always think don’t get your hopes up he’ll find someone else too and you still will be alone. I know I am young and have time to find that person. But a girl can only take so much until she just gives up hope and stop caring one way or another. Any way I’m just in a depressed mood but I suppose one can not be bubbly right after watching their crush crushing on another girl while trying to hold your peas down. On top of that my roommate told me that her friend said that it was COMPLETELY obvious that I liked Argentina. Great right? She was asking my roommate if I liked him because I suppose you can tell if you give that person a paper name tag with your own name it means you like them. Never knew that but now I know, and I supposed I kept looking at him during dinner. Either way I suppose now I learned my lesson and just do what I was planning to do which is to let them come to me rather than me come to them. I guess that makes me single for another 20 years :/ but it’s what evs time to go watch the Note Book and wallow in self pity.

Old Habits

So even though I KNOW Argentina likes at least two girls I still like him. So far there is this girl that lives in the same dorm complex as him. We’ll call her Bailey, so anyway this Bailey girl is living in the same dorm complex as Argentina. She’s friends with some of my friends here and her and Argentina talk a lot to each other. The thing is the way he looks at her and the way he talks to her you can tell right away. So the other night my roommate and I went to our friends dorm to hang out and have like a game night, we had a Nerf war it was so much fun. Argentina was there too the thing was my friend H and I were waiting for our roommates to come to the lobby area so we can play games. Argentina came by to wait with us suddenly H’s roommate and my roommate ambushed us so we went running and hiding. Before I knew it I was alone with Argentina so instead of you know actually having a conversation with him I decided to really get into the game so I had him help me ambush H’s and I’s roommates. The ambush didn’t go so well for us he ran off as I wrestled H’s roommate for the Nerf gun. As the game went on and I was on the roommates side of the team we went looking for H and for Argentina. Turns out Argentina went to go hide in Bailey’s room, I don’t know whether as a friend or because he likes her. Either way he looked contempt enough to be in her room with her. We had our game night playing Scattergoers and then we went off to our bible study. I kept thinking of him and that girl. She is cute all I could think was I can’t compete I usually never compete with another girl simply because I never win and I always get my heart broken. Until my roommate told me I should not compete with girls because if it’s the right guy I wouldn’t have to compete with anyone. I wish someone told me that earlier because old habits do die hard and my habit of comparing myself to every girl is definitely one I want to break.

Argentina Too?!?!

So earlier this week I could not stop thinking about Argentina. That was until my roommate told me something that made me at least a little sad. She asked me if he was dating anyone and I thought about it and I said I don’t think so because he never hangs out with just one girl in particular and he doesn’t say anything but then again Country didn’t either. I checked his relationship status and like Country it didn’t say if he was either single or in a relationship. Later my roommate and I saw some photos of him with a girl they looked like a cute couple. To be honest they looked good for each other. I felt sad because not only the guy I liked had a girlfriend but this was not the first time this has happened. Just that fear of being alone for the rest of my life. Not to be a drama queen but do you ever get that thought that your going to end up being one of those crazy cat ladies? Any way I wanted to get his number some time and in my head I was thinking well I suppose it doesn’t matter how I sound if he does have a girlfriend. During dinner that day I was with my friends and he so happens to be there too. I didn’t want to see him because I was still a little sad about everything. My roommate said hi and I was pretending not to care or notice so I was talking and laughing with my friends. Until he was calling my name I didn’t really have a choice of acting like I didn’t hear him. So I walked up to him and he gave me a hug and was talking about casual things, I decided then to get his number. It was easier than I thought just pulled out my phone and said type your number. It wasn’t until later that I was talking to a friend of mine H about how sad I was about Argentina. H told me that he DID have a girlfriend but they broke up. Suddenly I realized that I got the guy I like to give me his number. I felt a lot better knowing that he didn’t have a girlfriend but I have no idea still if I should tell him that I like him or to continue as I am now.

Me and my friends went to the fair today and even though Argentina couldn’t go it was still so much fun. Even though I did get a little sick from riding all the rides. It was still the best, even though I don’t know what to do about Argentina I shouldn’t worry about it. I just want to enjoy myself though I know I will still want to get closer to him but I don’t think that would change.