Thank God, my loan pulled through last minute and I get to stay in college. Honestly I was so relieved I could have died. That’s a little extreme but still, I am happy to be able to continue on with my college life, I really don’t want to think about relationships or anything unnecessary especially because I had thought that I would not be able to stay here. But I can’t help thinking about this one guy. I mean I don’t want to go out with him now. My friends are saying it’s a “squish”, I can see myself liking him but I don’t like him at the moment. Have you ever looked at someone and had a nice conversation and just think wow they are really cool I can see myself liking them over time. I mean I did kind of got to know him during the Christmas play last semester. I was Mary and he was Joseph, we talked to each other and he was just a really friendly person. Since I long board I took my board to one of the rehearsals and he saw it and said he liked it and he rides also. So we just kind of talked about that for awhile, he was funny and he was just interesting to me. Oh and I’m not sure if I said but I am completely over Argentina. During our winter vacation I went back home and I was away from him and I thought really hard about it and we just would not be compatible. He’s immature and we both just have different mind sets, I prefer him more as a friend than I would a boyfriend. As well as Bengt there are numerous reasons why I got over Bengt. He and I just aren’t compatible, we argue a lot, and honestly I only see him as a brother. Now that I am a new found Christian I want to find someone who also is Christian because we would both have the same values and beliefs, I don’t want someone who would want me to go against my own beliefs. It also says in the bible that the one I am with is supposed to lead me spiritually and they can’t exactly do that if they aren’t even Christian, or if I am spiritually stronger than them. It’s odd to think that now my standard is that the guys has to be Christian or there is a no go with us, I used to think dating is just a casual thing. I suppose to most it is, sometimes I still have that thought that dating is just a temporary thing and that I feel a little insecure about the fact that I am 19 going to be 20 soon and has only dated two guys in my life. But you know what? So what? I shouldn’t care about that, that shouldn’t affect who I am and it doesn’t define who I am. I want to be able to tell my husband that I love him and he is the only one I have given my whole heart to. I am scared to get married one day, in fact I really don’t want to think about that right now because just thinking about it makes me nervous. I was thinking about it the other day and I may have commitment issues, the two boyfriends that I did have in my life I was the one to break it up. My recent ex, we dated for nearly a year and we were on and off and each time we broke up I was the one to tell him it was over. Why? I don’t know I was scared to love him, I was scared to lose my V card to him, I didn’t want to trust him at all. Maybe I was right not to because he did cheat on me at least five times. Not to mention he would push me into trying to have sex with him. A lot of people tell me how strong I was to have that courage to say no to him and not let him have his way with me. Yeah…I suppose I was strong, but I did love him and the first time he purposed we do do that he was nice and he hadn’t cheated on me yet, I just didn’t want to. Instead of talking about it like adults I shut him out, I did that to my other ex to. He didn’t make me do anything I wasn’t comfortable with instead we went at a slow rate by the second month we had just started to hold hands. I had strong feelings for him more than I thought I would with anyone…it scared me so I broke it off. I don’t want to tell a guy I like him, and if I do tell him it’s because I want to get rejected. I want to stop my feelings as soon as they start so I tell them how I feel hoping they’ll tell me they don’t feel the same way. When they do I feel relieved and I feel like I can continue on with my life. I want to have those feelings of love with someone special the thing is I don’t know when I will let myself. Even right now I feel like I can like this guy, Johnny, but I really hope I won’t develop those feelings. I know I need to get to know him in order for anything to happen, so right now I do want to talk to him and get to know him but not to like him or have hope we would someday be together but so I will prove to myself that he isn’t the type of guy I would like and be able to stop these feelings before it gets worse.
Lord help my future husband.